Saturday, July 24, 2021

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Chronic Self Abuser Cuts Off Own Genitals In Total Desperation

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Ambulance crews rushed to Jonas Etcher’s Atlanta mobile home last Tuesday night to a grisly scene. Paramedics discovered that the 52 year-old had cut off his own penis with an electric carving knife. The Georgia resident had been fighting a crippling addiction with excessive masturbation which had driven him to this extreme form of self-mutilation.

“He’s really been struggling with masturbation,” Jonas sister Ellen Etcher told local news outfit WRDW. “He knows it’s against Jesus, but has been self-pleasuring up to a dozen times a day. He can’t seem to find a girl to get his sex urges out on… we’ve tried Match.com, Craigslist. But no one seems to want him. He’s no oil painting, but he’s a sweet boy.”

“I had told him that maybe we could have had somebody build a metal glove with razor sharp spikes on the palm and fingers that could have been permanently padlocked to his penis and prevented him from masturbating,” Ellen said. “For he didn’t seem to like that idea.”

While Jonas, understandably, didn’t take to the spiky gauntlet suggestion of his sister, he didn’t flinch at another idea altogether. An even more extreme fix.

Jonas Etcher

“But he said that would have ‘been itchy.’ So I guess he thought sawing his thing off was the better solution. I am proud of him from trying to lead a life of purity, but now he’s going to have to go on disability as he won’t be able to work at Applebee’s while he recovers.”

While doctors expect Etcher to make a full recovery, he will have to wear a catheter and bag for the rest of his life. But as for masturbating? “There’s very little chance of Mr. Etcher being able to pleasure himself in a sexual manner ever again”, a hospital source told WRDW.

Jonas did not give a statement to the media but is said to be pleased with the final outcome.

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